Today(or yesterday) was a very dark day. Earlier, I took pills to try to sleep forever—literally—because I felt so sad, depressed and scattered. Sadly(or gladly) it didn’t work—I woke up at Maghrib with a bad headache. I still felt empty and have nothing to do, so I decided to visit Windis’ house.
It’s still Syawal, so visiting her for silaturahmi made sense. I asked Bagas to come with me, but he couldn’t because it was raining and his motorcycle was broken. I went alone. At Windi’s house, we talked, and I did sungkem to her “mother”. My mind still felt empty tho, like I was stuck in darkness. But slowly, after talking to Windi, I started feeling a little better. My suicidal thoughts faded a bit.
At 10:00 PM, Mas Panji called me to talk about work. After discussing business, we talked about life, religion, and even human psychological behavior. He studied psychology, so I told him how I’ve been feeling—depressed, wanting to disappear, and not knowing why. He listened and gave some advice. He let me curhat, but I didn’t know what to say. I just feel sad for no reason and couldn’t find the “right” words to explain. However, talking to him and Windi eventually helped calm my mind.
Now, I still can’t sleep and feel empty. I’m writing this to let my feelings out. To whoever reads this: I hope your life(or mental health) is better(or stronger) than mine, and never feel like a failure like I do. Thank you. Love you ❤️
I write some journal in English now because my mom started to found this online-journal. I don’t want her to worry about my condition or my thoughts. Thankfully, she can’t understand English well, so thats it. I’ll use English for some of my writing.